Tips for Visiting a Loved One

|   A little preparation can remove a lot of pressure

You want to visit Mom, but you know it’s going to be difficult. Her memory isn’t good, and it’s difficult to carry on a conversation. These tips can make your visits easier on you and more meaningful for your loved one.

1. Ask a family member or pastor to join you. That will take some of the conversational pressure off you.
2. Plan your visit during a scheduled activity that you and your loved one can participate in together.
3. Use your time to help with some daily tasks, including:
   - Opening the mail
   - Dusting the family pictures
   - Reading a story from the newspaper
   - Feeding or watching the birds
   - Watering the plants
   - Calling or sending a note to a friend
4. Before your visit, call a friend or family member who lives out of town and ask questions about what he or she has been doing. Then relay that information to your loved one during your visit.
5. Talk about your children, or children in your neighborhood.
6. Ask for advice about an area in which your loved one has experience (how to fix something, when and where to plant something, how to deal with a difficult co-worker, where to go on vacation, etc.).
   
7. Ask about favorites — food, color, music, restaurant, movie, recipe, season, holiday, animal, day of the week, job, sport, book, etc.
8. Plan a short visit, less than 30 minutes. It’s not the amount of time that matters; it’s the time itself.

QUICK VISITS
Visits do not have to last an hour. Just stopping by to say hello is always appreciated. Here are some ideas for when you can't stay long.

• Feed or watch the birds
• Read one story from the newspaper
• Open the mail
• Help with a chore such as a dusting off the family pictures, putting clothes away, or watering the plants
  
• Sing a song together
  
• Ask permission to bring a pet
  
• Share a snack
• Walk around the grounds
• Complete a quick word puzzle together
• Put together a small jigsaw puzzle
• Create an ongoing craft project to work on a little bit at a time
• Assist the person in phoning a friend or sending a note
• Sign birthday cards for the month

"WHAT SHOULD I SAY?" CONVERSATION STARTERS

• Tell about a recent accomplishment on the job or in your family.
  
• Talk about an upcoming trip or special occasion.
  
• Reminisce about firsts: first day of school, first job, first car, first date, first house or apartment, first child, first vacation, first flight in a plane, first trip on a train....
  
• Buy an old copy of The Ungame and use the question cards to start conversations.

Remember, the visit doesn't have to be filled with conversation. Try just sitting together and quietly enjoying the moment.

COMMON FRUSTRATIONS
"When I visit my mom, she asks me the same questions over and over. What can I do to satisfy her and not upset myself?"

What to do:

• Realize that your mom cannot control her memory problems.
  
• Do not argue.
  
• Answer her questions or ask for details to move the conversation along.
• Write out the answer in large print and hand it to her. Every time she asks the question, refer to the answer on the card.

"My father is too weak to speak for himself."

What to do:

• Ask questions that require yes/no answers, so he can simply nod or squeeze your hand to reply.
  
• Bring someone along for the visit. Your father may enjoy simply listening to the conversation you have with your friend.
• Read to him about current events.
• Play an audio book and listen to it together.
• Bring along a photo album and share some stories.

"My grandfather is easily confused and doesn't seem to understand what I say. When he speaks to me he sometimes uses words I can't understand and often doesn't remember who I am."

What to do:

• When you come to visit say "Hi Grandfather, it's __________________"
• Find a quiet place to visit
• Use simple vocabulary and short sentences, but avoid talking down to him.
• Be patient.
  
• Ask yes/no questions ("Do you want coffee?") or simple choice questions ("Do you want to go for a walk, or watch TV?").
• When he can't say a word, encourage him to point to or describe the item.
• Use gestures to help him understand what you are saying.
• If you can't understand, make a caring comment such as:
  "It must be frustrating for you."
  "I wish I could understand what you said."
  "Let's try again later."
  "I am glad to be with you."
  
  For more information and suggestions, feel free to contact the community Administrators.